I am old enough to actually remember what Zima was, but I never tried it – I was 12 or 13 when it was introduced. Surprisingly, with all this ‘nostalgia’ marketing – it’s only been 9 years since they took it off the market – it was discontinued 2008 (on my birthday actually!). In my head for whatever reason, I thought the life of Zima was way more short-lived than that. I didn’t think Zima was still available when I became legal drinking age, but it was – and I overlooked it for 7 years apparently. I can still remember finding empty Zimas on playgrounds or along bike trails that I biked as a kid. I remember one of my buddies using the empty Zima bottles to fill with water and an insert from a highlighter to make blacklight sensitive color jugs for his room. (or maybe that was me…?)

Ok…. bear with me now because it’s conspiracy time – Macrobreweries have felt the dip in profits over the past 5+ years due to the Microbrew boom. Let me channel my inner hipster and publicly state, that the Microbrew boom (at least in major cities) is getting dangerously close to hitting the ceiling. If you haven’t already put plans in motion to start a brewery in your city, and that city already has numerous breweries, you might want to consider another avenue. Like, you might want to consider a distillery that also does beer, because there is still plenty of space under that ceiling. Coors (the manufacturer of Zima) – based their entire marketing strategy on Zima being ‘different’ – specifically ‘Zomething Different’ (commercial link here). I remember those commercials, and they worked – “it’s not a beer… it’s not a wine-cooler… it’s Zomething different”. Coors’ move – to bring Zima back to the shelves is an obvious cash-grab that is intentionally capitalizing on this Microbrew touching the ceiling issue, and it’s working perfectly. Some people might be getting tired of microbrew, and this is just the beverage to ruffle the feathers of the industry again. They also knew that the people that used to drink Zima (and love it) would clear the shelves to relive their younger years. They also knew that the 90s teens that couldn’t drink it that are now of drinking age would buy some to try it. They knew this was a solid idea, and an absolute cash grab.

But for what?

The answer is not ‘to fill the void of profits lost to Microbreweries’ . The answer is ‘to BUY Microbreweries’! Do you think I am playing around here people? Macrobreweries have been scooping up Microbreweries for years now, and throwing more money at them in return for a cut of the profits. Lagunitas? 50% owned by Heinekin. Goose Island? Anhauser-Busch.  And the list continues: Click here for 31 more examples.  Ommegang? Owned by Duval – They’ll tell you that during the tour! (great tour btw)

What do these macro-breweries do after they acquire a Microbrewery? Actually, it’s not so bad – it’s actually pretty awesome. Often times, they give them a handful of millions to ramp up production, boost their marketing, enhance their grounds to make the visitor experience more ‘awe inspiring’and put a little pub on the premise. They bring in an executive chef to promote local ingredients and experiment with beer/food pairings – it becomes a perfect destination for a group of people. The Macrobreweries rarely interfere with recipes, and I believe they truly want to help boost the brand and the profits. I don’t know how big of a cut they take of said profits, but take a look at Magic Hat – their facility looks absolutely awesome, and I’ve heard nothing but great things. Granted, they’re owned by some cryptic, generic-sounding conglomerate named ‘North American Breweries‘ that has financial ties back to Costa Rica. Technically, American dollars might be slowly leaking out of America in some of these deals and going to other countries, but let’s hope that it’s not at an alarming rate.

I guess I would much rather hear that a Microbrewery took money from a Macrobrewery whose headquarters was located within the United States…..

So with that being said:  Coors….  Colorado-USA, ‘Tap the fuckin’ Rockies’ Coors…..   Thanks for the Zima!  Keep our money State-side!  Bottoms up!

Thanks for the Zima Jamie!